Logan MacDonald doesn’t experience symptoms of borderline personality disorder daily. When an episode occurs, the 22-year-old creative writer says it can disrupt her life for weeks.
“BPD for me is losing your sense of self and all control of your emotions within seconds,” MacDonald said. “It feels like an out-of-body experience, and an overwhelming wave of feeling just hits you all at once.”
The emotional impact of borderline personality disorder
Borderline personality disorder is a long-term mental health condition marked by difficulty regulating emotions and impulses. Those affected often experience intense reactions and heightened sensitivity to their environment, leading to persistent distress.
About 75% of people with the condition self-harm multiple times, and roughly 10% die by suicide.
MacDonald compares the episodes to “being a passenger in your own car and watching the destruction the driver is causing.” There’s no way to intervene—only to wait until it ends. Afterward, she often forgets what happened or remembers it incorrectly.
Related: Wildling debuts Santa Monica studio
“Sometimes I’m aware that I’m going through it, other times I’m not, but it always feels like the worst possible thing has happened,” she said. “It feels like I can’t go on and that nothing will ever be right again.”
The trigger doesn’t matter—whether big or small, recovering can feel impossible. One of the hardest parts, she said, is how it strains relationships. People with BPD may experience “splitting,” where someone they love suddenly becomes an object of hatred.
“That more than anything disrupts my life because both the person and I have to deal with the aftermath,” MacDonald said. “It strains our relationship and my relationship with myself, since guilt and shame always follow.”
A constant fear
For MacDonald, the most disabling symptom is the fear of abandonment. A loved one stepping away briefly can make her feel as if she’s been left forever.
Over time, she’s learned to manage some emotions, but the unpredictability remains. “I usually just ride the wave until it’s over,” MacDonald said.
Coping strategies depend on the emotion. When angry, she might tear paper or punch a pillow. When sad, she turns to favorite shows or journaling. Anxiety calls for deep breathing or a warm shower, while dissociation can be eased with cold water or spicy food.
Living with borderline personality disorder
MacDonald wants people to understand how little control she has during an episode. “It isn’t gradual, it isn’t announced,” she said. A good day can shift to crisis instantly—what she calls going from “0 to 1,000.”
To outsiders, the reactions may seem excessive. But for someone in the midst of an episode, the emotions are overwhelmingly real. Another misconception is that people with BPD lack empathy.
“We don’t lack empathy—we feel so much, so strongly,” MacDonald said. “That’s what leads to those huge outbursts that can seem like overreactions.”
Children also need opportunities to explore space to play without constant supervision, which can help them develop resilience and independence.
For more information on programs and services, visit CAMH.
Leave a Reply